Things I Hear from the Driver's Seat

US History According to my Four-Year-Old and Five-Year-Old

Did you know there were two wars? We lost the first one and won the second one.
How?
When the bad guys weren't paying attention, we shot their boat.
Did it sink?
Yes. All the way to the bottom.
Did they come back up?
No.... they didn't have floaties and the bad-guy lifeguards weren't paying attention.
Oh... I know they drownded.
Yeah.
And then they got dead.
Yep.

You're Fired

Did you know there's a girl in my class whose grandma lives with them?
Why?
Because she has had six daddies, and she's about to have her seventh.
Why is she getting a new daddy?
Because the other got fired.
Why'd he get fired?
Because he was fighting in the street and the police officer told him to stop but he kept doing it.
So how did he get fire on him??
Ummm (thinking)........ Oh because one of the neighbors went and got fire and put it on him.
Oh. Was it blue fire??
Hmmm, no I don't think so.

No Nuts

What if the doggie daycare place gave the dogs peanuts for a treat.
Hmmm..... or what about pecans?!?!
Ewwwwwww... Can you imagine a dog eating a real live BIRD??!! That's disgusting, isn't it?!
Insert Mom: Charley, pecans are nuts, sweetie. You're thinking TOUCAN.
Hmm. Oh.

The Toilet Seat Mystery

Mama! Eli left the toilet seat up!
How do you know it was Eli?
Because he's the only who is potty trained.
No, remember.... Daddy is potty trained too!
Guilty Eli pops his head into the room singing: It's a mysteryyyyyyyy (insert speech impediment that makes it even funnier. Think mystawee).